The Day I Built Something and Questioned Everything

Day 13 — December 6, 2025 – Today

Today was strangely reflective. The kind of reflective where you catch yourself staring at the wall like you’re in a dramatic indie film, except really you’re just thinking about twelve things at once and none of them are subtle.

I’ve been busy. Busy in that “driven by an unseen engine” way. Busy in that “I should be on the floor but instead I’m building a website” way. Despite everything in my body screaming for stillness, screaming for rest, for escape, for softness, I’ve been moving forward all day. Relentlessly. Almost unnervingly.

I’ve been working on the Wild Poise website from morning to night. Fixing things. Designing things. Refining things. Piecing together the beginning of something I’m finally willing to share with the world.

It feels like I’m being pulled by a force I don’t fully understand. Maybe a drive, a hunger, a kind of creative mania mixed with purpose. An unsettled, vampiric craving to finish, to begin, to create something, to carve out a space that feels like the inside of my chest: chaotic, beautiful, and raw.

And in the middle of all that momentum. In the middle of all that ambition and drive and becoming, another feeling kept threading through the day. Will I ever be able to let someone love me again? Will I ever be able to receive love fully, unapologetically, completely?

It’s wild how healing can make you productive and terrified at the same time. How you can be building a brand with one hand while your heart quietly whispers that it doesn’t know how to open anymore. I kept wondering if trauma rewired me in ways I won’t be able to undo. If I’m capable of being seen. Truly seen without flinching.

If someone could hold all my sharp edges, my softness, my wounded places, my hunger, my complexities and still choose me. And if I could let them.

I don’t know if my heart remembers how to trust in that way. I don’t know if my body remembers how to feel safe in that way. I don’t know if the girl who survived all of this can make space for someone who wants to love her without breaking her.

But here’s the other truth. The loud one. I’m trying. I’m still building. I’m still showing up. I’m still choosing forward motion even when fear is chewing on my heels.

I’m creating a website that reflects the woman I’m becoming, even on days I’m not sure who that is. I’m writing a journal knowing strangers will read it and still somehow believing my voice deserves a place in the world. I’m pushing against every instinct to hide and choosing to be visible instead.

Today was a day of movement and reflection. A day of ambition and ache. A day where my mind built something my heart wasn’t ready for but needed anyway.

And maybe that’s enough. Maybe love, real love, will come back to me when I stop asking whether I’m capable and keep choosing to stay alive in my own life.

Chaos in one hand. Grace in the other.

And a very quiet website launch that feels like a heartbeat.