Day 130 – I keep thinking about what “real” actually means. People say it all the time like they know. Be real. Keep it real. I just want something real. And usually what they mean is convenient honesty. Pretty truth. Curated authenticity. Something raw enough to sound impressive but…

Day 129 – April arrived today, and I don’t trust her. That’s probably unfair. She showed up all soft light and longer air and little hints of green like she expected me to just melt into seasonal hope because the trees are finally trying again. Very cute.

Day 128 – The last day of March feels less like an ending and more like a woman standing in a doorway with one hand still on the frame. Not clinging. Not hesitating exactly. Just… noticing. That’s what today felt like. A noticing.

Day 127 – There’s a kind of power in refusal that I don’t think gets enough credit. Not the loud kind. Not the dramatic, grand-exit, throw-a-drink, block-a-number, slam-a-door kind — though obviously that has its place and God bless it.

Day 126 – One of the strangest parts of living through what I’ve lived through is how differently safety feels now. Not abstract safety. Not policy, locks, and logistics — though obviously yes, those matter too. I mean the felt sense of it.

Day 125 – I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to get somewhere faster. Not always physically. Spiritually. Emotionally. Existentially.

Day 124 – Spring is here, allegedly. And yet my body is still acting like it would like written confirmation, two references, and perhaps a sworn statement before fully relaxing into that reality. Very on brand.

Day 123 – There are things I no longer romanticize. Chaos, for one. I used to think chaos was interesting in a way that made it easier to tolerate. Not good, exactly. Just charged. Alive. Full of possibility.

Day 122 – Lately I’ve been thinking about how quietly rebellious it is to want more. Not in the greedy, self-help, “upgrade your life in five easy steps” kind of way. I mean in the real way. In the woman way. In the aftermath way.

Day 121 – I can feel April standing at the door. Not literally, obviously. If the months start developing physical bodies and showing up at my apartment unannounced, then I have significantly bigger problems than healing. But still.