{"id":1643,"date":"2026-03-19T01:40:00","date_gmt":"2026-03-19T01:40:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wildpoise.com\/?p=1643"},"modified":"2026-05-06T19:18:25","modified_gmt":"2026-05-06T19:18:25","slug":"thinking-about-the-girl-before","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wildpoise.com\/?p=1643","title":{"rendered":"Thinking About the Girl Before"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Thinking About the Girl Before<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"450\" height=\"100\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/nhgftyuh.png?resize=450%2C100&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-286\" style=\"aspect-ratio:4.5008130081300814;width:653px;height:auto\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/nhgftyuh.png?w=450&amp;ssl=1 450w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/nhgftyuh.png?resize=300%2C67&amp;ssl=1 300w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/nhgftyuh.png?resize=18%2C4&amp;ssl=1 18w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 450px) 100vw, 450px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1536\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=1024%2C1536&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-452\" style=\"width:39px;height:auto\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?w=1024&amp;ssl=1 1024w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=200%2C300&amp;ssl=1 200w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=683%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 683w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=768%2C1152&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=8%2C12&amp;ssl=1 8w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Day 36 &#8211; December 29, 2025<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I found myself thinking about the version of me that existed before all of this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Not in some dramatic, collapse-on-the-floor kind of way. Not even painfully, exactly. It was quieter than that. Sneakier. One of those thoughts that slips into the room while you\u2019re doing something ordinary and suddenly the whole moment changes temperature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was standing at the sink this morning, washing out a coffee mug, when it hit me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The girl who lived inside this life a year ago would not recognize the woman standing here now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And I don\u2019t mean that in some shallow \u201clook how much I\u2019ve changed\u201d way people use when they want to sound evolved on the internet. I mean truly. Fundamentally. Down in the wiring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That girl moved through the world differently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Lighter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There was innocence in the way she trusted people. Softness in the way she assumed safety was something the world more or less agreed upon. She believed that if someone smiled warmly enough, meant well enough, sounded kind enough, then that probably counted for something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">She believed in good intentions by default.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And God, I miss that about her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I miss the ease of her. The unstudied openness. The way she could enter a room without reading it first. The way she could exist without some part of her quietly mapping exits, weighing tone, measuring the distance between what people say and what they actually are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">She was softer in a way I did not fully appreciate until life taught me the price of softness without discernment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But here\u2019s the strange part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The woman standing in that kitchen this morning did not feel broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Not ruined.<br>Not hollow.<br>Not like some tragic little after-image of who she used to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Different, yes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sharpened, absolutely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But not broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And that realization stayed with me all day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Because pain has a strange way of clarifying a person. It burns off illusion. It teaches your body things your mind would have preferred to learn gently. You start noticing more. Reading people faster. Catching small shifts in a room that your old self might have smiled through. You begin to understand that innocence and awareness are not opposites exactly, but they do not survive the same fire in the same form.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I am less na\u00efve now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But I am also more awake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And I don\u2019t think that\u2019s nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I think there is something powerful, even if it\u2019s bittersweet, about becoming a woman who sees clearly. A woman who understands that trust is precious. That charm is not character. That safety is not something the world hands out equally. That paying attention is its own kind of intelligence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The girl before had softness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The woman now has sight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And maybe both of them deserved to exist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Maybe both of them still do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That\u2019s the part that got me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Because I don\u2019t think the girl before is gone, exactly. I think she\u2019s here with me in quieter ways. In the part of me that still notices beauty. In the part that still laughs too hard. In the part that still wants tenderness despite everything. She\u2019s still here, but she no longer walks into the room alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Now she has company.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Now she has me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The version of me who knows more. Sees more. Flinches less from the truth. The version who has learned, brutally and intimately, that surviving is not the same thing as vanishing. The version who can hold softness in one hand and awareness in the other and call that not damage, but evolution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Roger, for his part, spent the afternoon attempting to negotiate additional treats using the ancient and sacred art of Extremely Sad Puppy Eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He is devastatingly effective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Watching him trot proudly around the apartment afterward with his little snack prize felt weirdly symbolic. Like yes, sometimes survival is profound and cinematic and worthy of a string quartet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And sometimes it is just collecting small victories with absolute commitment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A milk-bone.<br>A quiet morning.<br>A moment of recognition at the kitchen sink.<br>The realization that the woman standing here is not less than who she used to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Just different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">More dangerous in the best way.<br>More discerning.<br>More herself on purpose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Chaos in one hand. Grace in the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And the girl I used to be standing quietly beside the woman I became when life tried, and failed, to break her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1536\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=1024%2C1536&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-452\" style=\"width:39px;height:auto\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?w=1024&amp;ssl=1 1024w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=200%2C300&amp;ssl=1 200w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=683%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 683w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=768%2C1152&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wildpoise.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/ChatGPT-Image-Dec-7-2025-11_20_37-AM.png?resize=8%2C12&amp;ssl=1 8w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Day 36 &#8211; I found myself thinking about the version of me that existed before all of this. Not obsessively. Not in a painful way exactly. Just one of those quiet thoughts that slips into your mind when&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":602,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1643","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-chaos-and-grace"],"blocksy_meta":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Thinking About the Girl Before - Wild Poise<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A raw, reflective entry journal entry - honest thoughts on healing, resilience, uncertainty, and rebuilding life one day at a time.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/wildpoise.com\/?p=1643\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Thinking About the Girl Before - 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