Category Chaos and Grace

Day 23 — December 16, 2025 - Lately I’ve been thinking about how real life can get. Not in a philosophical armchair way, but in the oh wow, this shit is actually happening to me way. The kind of real that doesn’t wait for you to be ready, doesn’t ask if you’ve built enough emotional scaffolding first. It just arrives. Fully formed. Heavy. Personal. And sometimes I catch myself mid-thought and think, holy shit… I’m really sharing this. Not a curated version. Not the softened, socially acceptable highlights. But the actual terrain. The raw, lived-in truth of it.

Day 22 — December 15, 2025 - Today marks three weeks since I reported what happened to me. I don’t have a big reaction to that sentence. No dramatic swell. No collapse. Just a quiet awareness that settles in my body like a fact I can’t argue with. Three weeks isn’t long. Three weeks is also everything. It’s strange how time behaves after something like that. The days don’t move evenly anymore. Some stretch out like they’re made of taffy. Others vanish completely. I can remember tiny, irrelevant details with terrifying clarity and then lose entire afternoons like they slipped through a crack in the floor.

Day 18 - December 11, 2025 - Today was trying. Not catastrophic, not apocalyptic, just mentally exhausting in that “I’m doing everything right but still feel wrong” kind of way. I was fairly productive. The annoying kind of productive where you get things done but feel like you did nothing at all. But the sadness haze? She’s still here.

Day 17 — December 10, 2025 -
Today was a Sad Girl Day™. Capital S, capital G, capital D. The kind of day where your emotions wake up hours before you do and immediately start rearranging the furniture inside your chest. Naturally, the Sad Girl playlist was on like background radiation. Soft piano, moody vocals, the occasional lyric that hits so close you consider taking legal action

Day 16 — December 9, 2025 - Today was a fever dream. Not bad. Not dramatic. Just deeply, profoundly feral-brained. I woke up, took one look at my coffee, and my body said, “Nope.” Didn’t finish it. Didn’t even make eye contact with it after the first sip. That alone should’ve been my omen. Like the universe whispering, “Sweetheart… brace yourself.”

Meditation? Gorgeous.
Workout? Great.
Productivity? High enough to impress any therapist.

Day 15 — December 8, 2025 -

Mondays.
Bah. Mondays.

Fear lived loudly in my mind today. Not in the “hide in the closet with Roger and pray for reincarnation” way (mercifully), but in the awareness way. The reflective way. The kind of fear that doesn’t scream. It just stares back at you, waiting for acknowledgment.

I kept thinking about the hold it has taken on me.
Not a gentle hold, a chokehold.

A grip with its own agenda, one I never asked for and never consented to.

Day 14 — December 7, 2025 - Today was different in a way I can’t neatly explain. I woke up with the same fear and dread that’s been living under my skin for a year. That familiar, heavy, predictable creature. But it didn’t knock me down this time. It didn’t send me back under the blanket with Roger curled into my stomach like a furry shield. It didn’t make me cry. Mind-blowing, truly.