How to Stop Auditioning for Your Own Life
At some point you have to look at your life and admit: You’re not “living.”
You’re submitting an endless selfie video to the universe, hoping one day it emails back: “Congrats babe, you booked the role of Yourself.” Meanwhile you’re performing calm. Performing chill. Performing “I’m so low maintenance, please love me, I barely exist.”
My nervous system has left the group chat. Yours too, probably.
So let’s talk about how to actually fire the casting director in your own head — with receipts, research, and a little bit of emotional violence for anyone who benefitted from you shrinking.
You’re Performing for People Who Don’t Even Have the Range
Here’s the unkind truth: You’ve been auditioning for an imaginary panel of humans who:
- can’t hold eye contact for more than three seconds,
- think emotional intelligence is a zodiac sign,
- and haven’t processed a feeling since 2004.
You are out here editing yourself for people who couldn’t navigate their own inner world with GPS, a therapist, and a Google doc.
If you’re not paying my therapy bill, you do not get a vote in my personality.
And the science backs this up — aggressively.
Research on self-objectification shows that constantly monitoring how you appear to others increases anxiety, reduces cognitive functioning, and lowers life satisfaction. Translation: your brain is exhausted from watching you watch yourself.
You are not “self-aware.” You’re self-surveilled. That’s not growth. That’s internalized audience control.
Performing Is Literally Bad for Your Brain (Science Said So)
Let’s talk neuroscience, but make it slightly disrespectful.
When you slide into performance mode…“Do they like me? Do I sound okay? Am I being too much?”…your brain behaves like it’s being hunted. The amygdala (tiny internal raccoon with a broken panic button) lights up.
Suddenly every interaction feels like:
- a test,
- a threat,
- or a live-streamed performance review you’re failing in real time.
Research on emotional suppression shows it increases physiological stress and blocks real connection. You look composed on the outside while your nervous system is in a full-body car crash.
Meanwhile, being your actual, unedited self?
- Lowers cortisol
- Improves resilience
- Expands your brain’s capacity for hope
Yes, hope has neural pathways. It’s not just a Pinterest quote.
Your brain wants authenticity. It’s your ego that wants applause.
One heals you. The other keeps refreshing the comments section.
The “Chill Girl” Persona Is Emotional Tax Evasion
You know her. You’ve probably BEEN her.
“I’m fine.”
“It’s whatever.”
“No worries at all.”
“Totally chill if you treat me like a houseplant you forget to water.”
We brand it as “being easygoing,” but psychologists call it self-silencing. Suppressing your own needs, opinions, and discomfort to keep the peace and maintain relationships.
It’s linked to depression, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem. You’re not being “cool.” You’re committing emotional tax evasion and charging it to your future self.
You are not auditioning for Most Tolerable Woman of the Year.
You are a whole rainforest pretending to be a succulent.
As for this girl, I’m done silencing myself so other people can stay comfortable in the shallow end. If my truth makes you squirm, that’s a you problem. I’ve bled enough for free.
Choosing Yourself Is a Threat to Anyone Who Benefited From You Shrinking
This is why people get weird the moment you stop performing.
- Your silence stops being compliance and becomes a boundary.
- Your “overreacting” stops being dramatic and becomes data.
- Your self-respect becomes a glitch in the system for anyone who prefers the understudy version of you.
When I started telling the truth in my Chaos & Grace journal entries, the entire emotional landscape shifted. I stood in my reality, voice shaking, hands steady, and suddenly real help showed up. Professionals. Support. Actual solutions.
I call that Wild Poise at its best: the moment your nervous system realizes you’re finally on your own side.
That wasn’t a coincidence. That was alignment.
People can only meet you as deeply as you’re willing to meet yourself. And you? You’ve been sitting in the waiting room of your own life, hoping someone calls your name first.
How to Actually Quit the Audition
(A Chaotic, Practical Guide)
This is where we stop theorizing and start misbehaving in the name of truth.
Tell the truth faster than your fear can edit it
Your inner people-pleaser is slow. Outrun her.
Say the thing before your brain turns it into a polite, diluted version that betrays you.
Set boundaries so sharp they could cut aluminum
“Sorry, that doesn’t work for me” is a complete sentence.
Not a debate. Not a prelude. Not a TED Talk.
If someone needs a powerpoint presentation to respect your “no,” they don’t deserve your “yes.”
Exit rooms where your soul starts whispering “we are not safe”
That tiny whisper? That quiet internal flinch? That urge to go still?
Your intuition has a better track record than any dating app, group chat poll, or list of pros and cons. Believe her the first time.
Assume you are already enough and watch your posture change
Half of “confidence” is:
- standing like you belong where you are,
- speaking like you’re allowed to be there,
- and refusing to apologize for having needs.
Sometimes it’s not self-esteem you’re missing. It’s spinal alignment.
Ask: “Would the real me tolerate this?”
Not the edited me.
Not the scared me.
Not the “please don’t leave” me.
The real me.
If she wouldn’t tolerate it, then you shouldn’t be tolerating it either. You are not a body double for your own life.
Your Life Doesn’t Need a Casting Director — It Needs You
Here’s the final slap of truth: You don’t need to be chosen. You need to choose.
Choose yourself.
Choose your needs.
Choose your boundaries.
Choose your voice.
Choose your messy, inconvenient, brilliant humanity.
When you stop auditioning, everything recalibrates:
- Relationships
- Energy
- Standards
- The way you walk into a room
- The way the room responds
Because you’re not the actress anymore. You’re the plot twist!
If someone doesn’t like the real you, they are free to go find the imaginary version they built in their head. Let them cast someone else in that role, you’re unavailable.
As for me?
I’m done auditioning.
The role is filled. By me.
And she is no longer taking notes, suggestions, or emotional budget cuts.