The Day That Tried to Be Gentle

Day 10 — December 3, 2025

This morning I woke up slower than usual. Not heavy, not panicked, just tired in that bone-deep, soft-focus way that makes you want to tiptoe into the day instead of barging into it. My body felt a little looser than it has in a while, like the emotional debris from earlier this week finally decided to stop ricocheting around my ribcage.

So I didn’t rush anything. I let the morning come to me.

I made my coffee and actually sat with it instead of carrying it from room to room like a warm emotional support object. I lit my candle again (I think it’s officially a ritual now), and I let myself breathe for a few minutes before doing anything else. It was small. It was simple. It felt like reclaiming a tiny piece of myself I didn’t even realize had wandered off.

Meditation was easier today. Still short, still imperfect, but easier. My mind wasn’t sprinting. The thoughts still wandered, but they wandered like they finally remembered how to move at a pace that doesn’t require emergency intervention. A river calming after a storm. I didn’t force anything. I just let it move.

And then I worked out again. Two days in a row. Two. For a girl who’s been dissociating like it’s a full-time hobby, this felt like a quiet revolution. Not aesthetic fitness, not punishing discipline, just movement that whispered, this is my body and I’m learning to live in it again.

All day, I kept waiting for the anxiety to spike. Expecting it to pounce like it did yesterday. But it didn’t. The fear was there, curled somewhere deep, but it stayed quiet. Manageable. Like a creature finally tired of its own theatrics.

I didn’t hear from the detective today. Part of me wanted the call. Part of me was grateful not to get it. Both truths lived comfortably side by side. Both felt valid. Both were allowed.

So instead, I focused on the tiny things that make me feel human.

I opened the blinds and let the leftover snowlight brighten the apartment. I lectured Roger like he’s a roommate who hasn’t paid rent in three years. I ate something green for the first time in days. I took a shower just because it felt good. And I caught myself humming. An involuntary softness I didn’t expect, like my spirit briefly forgot she was supposed to be recovering from a war.

Healing isn’t loud. Today reminded me of that.

Not every day is a breakthrough. Not every day is a collapse. Some days are just gentle. A breath you didn’t know you’d been begging for. A moment where your emotions don’t threaten to swallow you. A day where your thoughts land softly instead of slamming into you.

Today was that kind of day. Not triumphant. .Just gentle. And right now, gentle feels like one of the bravest things I can be.

Tomorrow will bring whatever it brings. Questions, fear, hope, updates, silence, or maybe something else entirely. But today gave me enough quiet strength to meet it.

And maybe that’s what gentle days are. Not rewards, not detours, but little anchor points that keep you from drifting too far from yourself. A reminder that even after weeks of chaos, your spirit still knows how to soften. How to steady. How to exhale.

I’m starting to trust those moments again. The small ones, the quiet ones, the ones that don’t announce themselves as progress but absolutely are.

Maybe healing isn’t something I chase. Maybe it’s something I allow.

So tonight, I’m letting gentle be enough. I’m letting softness be brave. I’m letting myself exist without performing strength or panic or anything in between.

Chaos in one hand.
Grace in the other.
And me — learning to honor every version of quiet that saves me.